The hills have I

OK, I’ll admit it’s been a while between drinks and I apologise, but let me explain. Let me make it up to you by publishing not one but two freshly baked blogs, full of country goodness.

One of the main reasons I’ve been away from the blog is because I am house sitting for a friend up in the hills, far from mod-cons such as an internet connection. As such I have been getting back to nature, standing on the deck feeding the wildlife, wandering the national park contemplating the trees and writing angry letters to the Herald Sun about “how good those folk in the city have got it”.

Another thing I have been doing is watching the sky, praying for rain. Yes, I’ve become one of those people, reliant on water from a rusty metal tank on the side of the house and hoping that all that precious rain is going where it should go. Forget carbon neutral, I’m hoping to be water neutral. “OK, so the tank was up to here when I arrived, if it’s above this level when I leave then I haven’t used any water.” It all makes sense.

Some other things that mark me as living in the hills are:

*My car – One hubcap is missing and it’s covered in dirt from the roads I have to drive to get here. The only inauthentic part is that it’s not a 4WD or a Commodore.

*Travelling distances – I’ve suddenly discovered that I need a real reason to go all the way to the big suburban shopping mall. “Do you know how far that is?” I’ve become the opposite of the inner city snob, the outer-hills snob. Heck, everything I need is right here at the general store (well Safeway actually).

*Axes and hatchets – Before this, the only time I used an axe or a hatchet was when I went camping. Now, with an open fire, I’m out there swinging those babies all the time. I’m thinking about getting me a plaid shirt and a buxom wench to bring me a scorched peanut bar (the hard bar).

I’ve also taken to greeting my neighbours in a friendly, straw in the mouth kind of fashion, as well as squinting suspiciously at strangers. We don’t take too kindly to them folks around these parts. Hmm, maybe I should get a banjo…

Anyway, that’s it for me. Until the other blog that will be right below this one. Cool huh?!

Laters.

J

Feeling a little Harry-ed

I’ve been back from the travels for a while, experiences tucked under my belt, memories firmly filed away in my mind and a good chunk of manuscript to work on. I’m still working on the book but I’ve also found that I need some dollars to get by so it’s been back to the coal face for me (if I’m a writer and I work in a book shop, does that mean it’s back to the type-face?).

Of course working back at the book shop means I recently had the honour, nay the privilege to work on Harry Potter release day. Now I’m not going to pretend you don’t know who H.P is, in a recent survey of kids under 10, when asked the question: ‘Who do you more identify with, Jesus Christ or Harry Potter, 27 percent replied “Jesus who?”. Of course this figure, and this study, is completely made up but they illustrate a point. Probably.

So you’re no doubt aware of the boy wizard, but you may not have experienced Harry Potter release day. This is when otherwise intelligent people all over the world line up from as early as 2 am just to make sure that they get their hands on one of the twenty billion copies of the book. Just in case.

At my store it was no different. The queue stretched out the door, full of eager faces who had pre-ordered a copy. Faces that soon turned angry as people realised that they had to wait behind the other four hundred people who had ordered while non pre-order customers simply picked up a copy off the shelf. Madness.

There were a couple of bright moments amongst the grumbling. Excited kids who dressed up and cheered when they got their books, seeing those kids later in the centre already a quarter of the way through the book, and the woman who wanted to check her copies to make sure they were perfect because she was “collecting” them. And why wouldn’t you collect them, seeing as how they’re so rare? Why not collect used cigarette butts and empty coke bottles too? The worst part of that was that I got the feeling that those books were going to go home, be put on a shelf and never read. What a waste of pulp. Also a waste are the people I saw, multiple people in multiple shops, who walked in, picked up the book and read the last few pages. What’s the point in that? Sorry, but I just don’t trust people who read the last few pages of a book without reading the rest. Where’s the mystery, where’s the journey, where’s the expectation?

Of course there are plenty of people who are reading it, me included. I’ve read the others, I’ve stuck with it, now I want the pay off. I’ve been avoiding anywhere that has published spoilers, walked away from customers who stood there reading those last few pages (because you just know they’re the kind of people who exclaim in a too loud voice “Oh so Harry….” And spoil it for everyone). So I’m churning through it now, but I thought I would hypothesise on a couple of possible endings. No spoiler warning here because it’s all completely out of my own head.

- The Scooby Doo ending: Harry, Ron and Hermione capture Voldemort, pull off his mask and discover that it was old man Peterson all along. He would have made it too if it wasn’t for those pesky kids.

- The Crying Game ending: In a disturbing scene, Hermione strips off in front of Harry and Ron to reveal that she is in fact a man, if a strangely feminine and good looking man.

- The Matrix Ending: Voldemort is found in a room full of TV screens and he explains to Harry exactly what’s been going on for the last seven books, and why. Readers all over the world are none the wiser.

- The Star Wars ending: Voldemort is Harry’s father (of course), Hermione really his sister. Ron marries Hermione and peace is restored to the galaxy. Hagrid stops using words and communicates in long moaning grunts and all the house elves move to the Hogwarts forest where they build a tree top city and worship Neville Longbottom as their God. Returns as a ghost Dumbledore does. Forgets how structure a sentence does he. JK Rowling considers writing seven prequels.

- The Lord of the Rings ending: Harry and Ron defeat Voldemort. Dumbledore returns as Dumbledore the White, Hermione is revealed to be an elf and marries Ron then they all ride back to Hogwarts where Harry writes his story. Life goes on, then Harry rides down with Dumbledore to take a train to the promised land etc etc etc.

Of course it may be nothing like that, but it’s always good to imagine these things.

That’s really it for me, hope you enjoyed.

See ya.