Looza's and the idiot box

Globalisation. Everywhere you go you hear about it, pundits praise its ideals while protesters smash things in a frenzy at the very thought of it. It truly is a contentious issue. But what does it all mean? What is globalisation and what will it mean for you and me?
To answer that I must give you a little background. When I first arrived here in Belgium the apartment was equipped with some version of cable TV. Not bad. I could get CNN, BBC, MTV and and variety of other channels to keep me entertained whilst Miss K was busy with important assignments in the evenings. I would sit there and let my mind wander as I watched, whether it was news and current affairs or seeing Xzibit pimp someones ride.
One day however this was all cruelly snatched away from me, leaving me with just two Belgian channels that I can see clearly plus one that I cant. This is where I discovered the meaning of globalisation. It means that wherever you go in the world, not only are you assured McDonald's, but also versions of your least favourite reality programs. Of course I am talking about Idol, Big Brother and even, coming soon, a version of Survivor. No doubt Millionaire is coming too.
Of course everyone complains about these programs, and no one will admit to watching them, yet here they are, popping up all over the world like infected sores. Agent Smith got it wrong in the Matrix, human beings aren't a disease on this planet, reality TV shows are.
Of course there are still some English programs, usually movies, and they are on after big brother every weeknight. Oh good, I hear you say. Well...sometimes. You see the TV networks seem to have got a deal similar to one you might get from your cable provider. You take the good with the bad. So for every movie from column A, usually Hollywood "blockbusters" like Rush Hour, Legally Blond and Charlies Angels, you have to take some from column B, where Steven Segal movies reside and then some from column C. Column C is where you get movies where the headline star is someone like Treat Williams or Rick Schroeder. Column C is where you find movies by Alan Smithee.
There are also the odd TV shows in English that we get, including Boston Legal, Ripley's Believe it or Not and, ahem, McLeod's Daughters. I guess there is no way they can do a Belgian version of that show. Strewth, what a flamin' shocker!
So we're reduced to watching reality TV, which does include a Belgian version of Thank God You're Here called Godjidank. Whilst this is good for the Australian company, the Melbourne company, that devised it but hardly any good for me. It's all in Flemish. Big Brother, with the sound down, looks just like Big Brother. No doubt if I could understand what they were saying it would be the same inane drivel that the people in English speaking versions come up with. Idol is interesting in the fact that at least the songs are generally in English. Yes Mariah Carey, Celine Dion and Michael Jackson songs are tortured the world over. At least there is some fun to be had in assigning the judges personalities and then trying to guess what they are saying. The one female judge is obviously Marcia, she starts all her sentences with 'you go girlfriend'. There is a definite Dicko look alike but he doesn't seem to be as harsh as Dicko is. Not sure about Mark Holden, and that's just a general observation. I'm really not sure about that guy. Of course with the judges speaking Flemish, I can understand what they are saying about as well as I can understand Mark Holden so that is no great problem.
Of course many of our 'favourite' reality shows came from this region of the world, particularly Holland, which gave us Big Brother. One thing I also think we have to 'thank' them for is the up late game shows, which are on constantly here, and not just late. There are two channels I can get and at certain times of the day, obviously during the low times, the same game show is on both channels. This is the future of TV, they've done away with scripts and plots and characters, now they are going to do away with ideas and any kind of necessary thought. As long as the bucks roll in.
Anyway, enough of TV. What else is interesting in Belgium, there must be something more than TV? Of course there is. One of the most fun games to play when experiencing another culture is the 'look at the weird names they have for things' game. Everyone does it, even with other English speaking cultures. Some English guys I met got a kick out of the fact I said I was wearing a shirt and pants. 'Pants' are underwear, I should have said 'trousers'. Well excuse me! Anyway, this game is not as good in a country like Belgium where everyone speaks English and they know what sounds 'weird'. Not like some countries, Japan for instance where you can get chocolate filled wafer tubes called 'Colon' or a chocolate bar called 'Asse'. No such rookie mistakes here. But there is one product I have come across, a drink called 'Looza'. This stands out for obvious reasons and I have spent the better part of the last couple of days thinking up advertising scenarios for this brand should it ever come to Australia. I think I'm ready with a couple of pitches.
1. A lonely guy sits in the corner of a busy nightclub. Across the dance floor he spies a lonely girl, sitting in another corner. They look at each other, exchanging shy smiles. Slowly he raises his thumb and forefinger to his head in the shape of an L. The girl's eyes light up, she nods and returns his greeting. They get up and head for the bar, as they do a voice over comes up; 'When all else fails, go for a Looza.'

2. Voice Over: 'You can get it alphabetising your X-men comics, you can get it playing on line Dungeons and Dragons, you can even get it colour co-ordinating your sock drawer. A hard earned thirst needs a specific drink, and the drink for you is Looza'

3. And finally. An average Aussie boofhead stands in line at the bar, running over his drink order in his head. As he steps up to face the waitress he takes one look at her chest and says the immortal words. 'Five Loozas thanks.' The tag line comes up, 'we're just saying what you're all thinking.'
So those are my campaigns for Looza. It's sure to be a hit, I've no doubt. And in case you were wondering, that's life in Belgium. Oh sure there's some buildings and museums and a thousand years of history, stuff like that, but I feel I've covered the important parts. Besides with all this typing, I've worked up a thirst.
As a matter of fact, I've got it now.